North Korea says it will move their country near to the U.S. Virgin Islands.

Kim Jong Un said yesterday that North Korea will be moved a few miles north east of the U.S. Virgin Islands next Tuesday week. His spokesperson Kim Wilde Sum, commented that “It would be easier to talk and do deals with the Imperial government of the U.S.A. and also the setting is much nicer for important people to be.”


A person with eyes

People who are equipped with eyes are more likely to be able to see than people without eyes, a study at Southampton’s Nevermore University has found. The two billion dollar report discovered that only 0% of those tested without eyes could see. The work was a follow up to the 3 billion dollar study on eyebrow hair length within the swimming community.

Unicorns belonging to the British Royal Family de-horned without anesthetic, say royal insiders.

Royal unicorns shown here after 'de-horning'

Unicorns have been used to pull the carriages of British royalty since the days of British King Gregory the Unpaid (1567-1606). Since the famous ‘spleen gouging incident’ at Trafalger square London in 1877 involving Queen Victoria, unicorn horns have routinely been removed in an attempt to prevent royal people getting hurt.

It was revealed in the last 2 days that the removal of unicorn horns have been carried out without any anesthetics since 1935, leaving the animal in intense pain for several days. One member of the royal household told us “I saw it guv, with my own eyes, vet had to rip it out with his bare hands near the end cos it got stuck so it did”. There has been no response from the Palace at time of going to press.

Royal Wedding Special

Watch Prince Harry and Prince William talk to each other when they think nobody’s listening.

President Trump visits refugee camp, personally saves the lives of 37 children.

Donald Trump visited the refugee camp which houses the Rohingya refugees from Myanmar’s Rakhine state yesterday.

Trump says he will send 4 billion U.S. dollars to house and feed the refugees for an ‘indefinite’ period. He spoke to refugees and helped with food distribution, also using his medical skills to personally save 37 children who were dying of unspecified diseases.

Kanye West and  the late Lawrence Olivier to marry.

Kanye has issued a statement saying he and the late Lawrence are to be wed in October of this year. Kanye also mentioned Lawrence’s love of his music, particularly  the song ‘Watch The Throne’ (with JAY-Z). “Reminds Lawrence of his acting days” Kanye gushed. When asked about the challenges of having a relationship with a dead superstar, Kanye answered with an old proverb, “He who lives with death plays better music”. Hopefully there’s some truth in that.